Saturday, 30 August 2014

Chinks of Daylight

Today, I have realised that I'm seeing the chinks of daylight, coming through the gaps in the PND. Silly things, like saying hi to the chap from down the street with a new baby (pushing a pram one handed WHILE walking a large, active dog), nodding sympathetically and saying, 'yep, it's really hard!'.

Right now, I'm folding clean washing while the boys are downstairs because I was bored of their company and realised that I could do something productive that wasn't actually connected with their immediate needs and escape from their toddler-presence. 

Now, these things might not seem like they are anything... But I have lived on my street for 3 and a half years and never spoken to anyone who doesn't live adjacent to me and I'm not very good at getting jobs done when MrB is off work. 

One day, I looked around and thought I was under a bridge, then I realised that it was a tunnel, and in the last couple of months, CBT and self care have given me the map to that tunnel, so that I can help myself to get out of it. 

Those little bits of 'normal' caroline, of 'happy' caroline are a pleasure to recognise - recovery is a tricky business, you don't realise how far you have come until you look backwards and realise that you haven't got worse, then one day you see that actually, there is some progress. 

 Basically, this chattery post is saying that I'm getting a tiny bit better, every once in a while. A year ago, I was getting worse, each week.

Recognising strengths is even more necessary if you suffer from depression and anxiety - my self esteem really needs work, and I'm always my worst critic. Giving myself a pat on the back isn't much, but eventually, I am starting to believe that I'm doing ok, I'm working hard. 

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