Monday, 22 June 2015


"I love you,
I'll keep you safe.
You can be sad if you want to be sad,
You can be happy, if you want to be happy.
I love you if you are happy or sad"

A toddler is like a delicate flower, it needs protecting so that it can be it's most beautiful.

I was always delicate, always felt emotional pain very easily, and I felt injustice quite easily too.

Me and Ewan had a bit of an argument, he wanted me to find the Cranky the Crane book, I couldn't find the book. He got VERY upset. Inconsolable. I offered any other book.

Then I shouted. I got angry and shouty and it wasn't cool, or kind. But my goodness I needed a rest.

I lay next to Ewan, in his bed, after saying sorry for being shouty, and I wondered how to make him feel better. I wanted him to know that emotions are ok, and that we all have them. Sometimes they are good and sometimes they are horrid.

Anyway, I said those lines to him. They came straight from my soul, not only to Ewan, but to little girl Caroline, 30 years backwards in time:

"I love you,
I'll keep you safe.
You can be sad if you want to be sad,
You can be happy, if you want to be happy.
I love you if you are happy or sad"

My eyes filled with tears as I said them, feeling every word and sentiment. Ewan turned to me and smiled. As if it was all he needed to know.

I don't know how to be a mum, I'm trying to fix both the mistakes my parents made with me and the mistakes I made with my brothers and sisters. It's a lot to manage. It's ok

Wednesday, 10 June 2015


Hi, I'm Caroline, Mum of 2. My mental health stats are as follows:

Depression and anxiety (mild to moderate) 1999-2009.
Antenatal anxiety (moderate) and depression (mild) 2011 and 2012.
PTSD from post birth trauma in 2012.
Post natal depression, 2013-2015.
Diagnosed with Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder in 2015.

Twice in recent months I have heard programmes discussing antidepressant medications - particularly side effects. And both times, the interviewer has responded to the list of symptoms by saying, 'why would someone risk those side effects?'. Maybe I'm looking for a reason to be outraged and I certainly have an interest in the topic, I don't want to think that anyone who needs meds could be put off by questions that are, at best ignorant and at worst dangerous.

Mania, increased risk or idealisation of suicide, sexual dysfunction, nausea, increased appetite, slower reflexes, no alcohol are a risk that anyone who starts a new medication takes.

If you are sitting, struggling with depression, hoping that it may get better without meds, then good for you. I have been there many times. And sometimes it worked out.

However, if you are sitting, wondering whether to start antidepressant or antianxiety medication, then speak to your GP, by all means read the leaflet of any drug you receive on prescription, but remember that side effects are rubbish, but depression is worse.

I've had all of the side effects listed above since I started antidepressants in March 2014.  I stopped the medication that was making me have very scary intrusive thoughts

Medications are designed to help you, and sadly anti depressant medications just don't work the same as paracetamol in a one size fits all dose. Different types of chemistry for different types of depression. Because de pression isn't just about the chemistry, it's about you, your history, how you get through day to day and it probably needs a holistic approach, where you are seen as a person rather than a name on a waiting list.

If you want to read about the 9 months I spent in denial before accepting antidepressants then  click here.  

Here is a  post I wrote  during a medication swap. And  here i have written about the failed medication swap .

Tuesday, 2 June 2015

Game of Thrones and Misogyny

Since clapping eyes upon Game of Thrones in 2011, I like many others have been gripped by tales from Westeros and the other countries across the Narrow Sea. One thing that has always made me feel uncomfortable is the portrayal of the female figure.

I'm not talking about the boob-count of episodes, or even the gratuitous sex scenes (anyone else remember the ridiculous 2 woman scene in season 1,with Littlefinger doing a monologue over the top).

I'm talking about the normalisation of rape. Making rape look cool, like it is something that can be thrown into the background of a scene and somehow just be 'background'. Not to mention Sansa being raped in the most recent season.

Women's bodies in GoT are not respected at all. I wish I felt that the books were that way, and I have only read the first 1 and a half. What I did learn was that Danaerys wasn't raped by Khal Drogo, as was portrayed in the show. He was gentle and caring, asking for permission and seeking her enjoyment too. The show deliberately used rape, for the sake of it.

I really want to know what happens, but I feel that watching it is completely at odds with my strong feminist views. So I have written this post.

Do you feel the same as me? I'd love to hear what you think!