Monday, 29 December 2014

Self Care - a new year's resolution

On Christmas Eve I started a new self-care scheme.

I have 3 self help books, I take a selection of coloured pens and a nice notebook with smooth paper (from paper chase, of course).

I take this bag of tricks to Starbucks and sit and read a bit of each in sequence. Then I set myself a bit of 'homework'.

My books are a DBT workbook , which will hopefully help me to learn how to calm down my distressing emotional reactions to simple situations.
A book on self compassion, to help me to learn how to build myself confidence and to not be too harsh on myself all.of.the.time. reading several pages is enough to remind me that I'm learning a skill, and helps to lift my mood.
A book on the emotionally absent mother - this book is quite heavy duty, no it's REALLY heavy duty (see excerpt below). Reading it has shown me that in was emotionally neglected as a child. Which is really hard to compute and understand as an adult, where i thought I was, ahem, normal.

My first homework was to be more cuddly with the boys; N always chooses a busy time to stand at my feet saying, 'cuddle, cuddle, cuddle'. It winds me up, I always need to have the last word and I let it drive me bonkers.
I am responding to these requests with cuddles. And trying to relax about it. I deserve cuddles. The boys deserve cuddles. More cuddles!!

This isn't going to be weekly, but I hope it will be about once a fortnight. The same frequency that 'therapy' would be.


Just have a read of this bad boy!

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Wednesday, 24 December 2014

It's Christmas Eve and it's STILL OK to Not be OK

Feeling droopy like my Christmas tree?

If your ho ho ho is no where to be found, it's OK.

If you're dreading spending more time in a small space with family, it's OK.

If you haven't wrapped the presents, aren't cooking a turkey that's double the size you need or have to travel for more than an hour and you're worried about a when the children will sleep, it's OK.

Its also OK if you are totally excited. Happiness during tikes of stress and mental illness is wonderful - grab onto it and ride the wave if it comes your way.

My tips to reduce the stress -

a bit late for this one but there are lots of ways to make life a bit easier.

∆ let the children eat as little or as much as they fancy - make special food just for them and there is nothing wrong with a bit of toast to fill them up before bedtime if they refuse the turkey!

∆get some time for yourself - lie in bed. Go for a drive to a shop that is open, go for a walk. Anything that gets you away from the surreal out of the ordinary Christmas time.

∆ try mindfulness - there is an app called Headspace that teaches you to meditate in a simple way, clear out the busy thoughts and concentrate on you, now 

∆ try to confide in someone that you're spending Christmas with - if it's too big to do, that's OK. But from personal experience, knowing that one person knows that you're not OK behind the smile can lift you just enough to get through the smiling-merry-happy-chrimbo.

∆ know that you are not alone. It can feel that way, stuck in your own head, not knowing if you can relate to anyone. Talk to your other half, talk to twitter, call the Samaritans if you need to. (I've used other helplines, when I was desperate).

We'll get through this together, although we're miles apart.

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Sunday, 21 December 2014

one lovely blog (award?)

I have been nominated by Blueberry Mum at  Melted Blueberries,

OK, so it seems like a fancy chain letter - take the compliments, click around the above websites and be happy to live in a society where we can gaze into the lives of others and find friends, familiarity and comfort. Xx

7 facts about me:
1. I love food, I especially love eating out at restaurants and fast food outlets.

2. I'm a good cook - my parents taught me to cook and when I have time and the energy I try to.

3. I enjoy watching road cycling, it's the only sport that I'll tolerate watching.

4. I wear glasses for distance vision - seeing things is good!

5. I love travelling to cities for holidays and before children had to visit a new country every year (all after a terrible heatwave in Santorini in 2008).

6. I sneeze when the sun gets in my eyes.

7. I don't have a middle name. I was christened Caroline Heppleston which my parents  deemed long enough.

The rules for the One Lovely Blog Award are;

Thank the person who nominated you for the award and link back to them in your post.
Share 7 facts about yourself.
Nominate 15 other bloggers that you admire to do the same and let them know.

My One Lovely Blog Award nominations are as follows:

PND and parenting blogs have helped me through the last 12 months of my life - here are some of my favourites (in no particular order)

BeauTwins - how does anyone cope with twins? Throw in pnd and I have even more respect! Music lover and lovely lady.

PND Nerves - blogging about life with 2 boys, suffered from PND with the first and hopefully out of the woods after baby number 2.

Kate doesn't blog  much, but when she does, it is always worth a read. An inspiring blogger, mum, PND survivor and music lover. - Rosey founded #pndhour and her blog and words of hope and sadness are getting more coverage as months go by - and deservedly so. #pndhour and #pndchat have saved me and changed me forever.

Leigh and her blog at never fail to change my perspective and educate me on matters of neonatal death and people. Her candour and the beautiful way that she has with words make her posts heartbreakingly good.

Kiran Chug - mummy says Kiran has won awards for her writing but she is still no less like you or me. A true example of how being a mum blogger is a real leveller.

2 boys 1 mum (and Bambi and duck) - witty mum of two boys with a similar age gap to me. Also a health professional and did I mention that I love Amy's sense of humour?

Lizzi Wallace - super friendly and honest mum who also blogs about stuff that isn't child related (imagine that!)

Helen Calvert - information on breastfeeding this website is a goldmine of information, have a look around. OK so it isn't strictly a blog, but it has been a labour of love for Helen so click and share!

Rainbow Mam with rainbowmam blog a blog about life with a rainbow baby, specifically following neonatal loss. Honest, sad, happy and eye opening.

Tricia at nurture me Edinburgh - another inspirational lady I have met through twitter

I am also interested in blogs that aren't just about sproglets!

Kate and her lifestyle blog  - inspired me over the summer with a particularly thought provoking article about society' s ideal bikini body. Fabulous!

 Rachel at The Ordinary Lovely - a fab lifestyle blogger who has an amazing sense of home style. Her parenting blog was also fab, and was one of the first I started to read three years, one stone and then home 

This is a big thank you to you all for sharing your lives, insights and feelings with the world - putting yourself out there on t'internet sometimes results in trolls - if you can't say something nice don't bother taking the time to write a reply.

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One Lovely Blog

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Sunday, 14 December 2014

My bad head

This weekend has not been good at all:
Friday started well, I shaved my legs (nudge nudge), called work to say I was feeling better, made cottage pie. Drank prosecco, booked train tickets to Edinburgh had an empty washing basket and then WHAM...
I lost my temper in a way that would make a supermodel diva cower in fear *TRIGGER WARNING*
I shouted, screamed and escalated the situation beyond any normal levels.
I hit my head repeatedly against the wall, then I took to throwing my back against the door in frustration and anger.
MrB quite rightly got very fed up and left me on my own in the lounge.
I cried, I had some dark thoughts about things that I can't say here but will say to my GP.

Saturday and Sunday I have felt quite detached from the boys, like concentrating on their needs wasn't possible - but messing around on the internet was *shakes head* 

I have scared myself in a few ways this weekend, but I'm scared that I'll become my nasty, detached, unloving mother not just now but in the years to come.

My dad says that she changed as me and my eldest-younger-brother needed her less (starting school). 

I'm terrified that I'm simply not strong enough to do this for the rest of my life, that I'm not strong enough to keep fighting this battle and that I'm going to ruin MrB and the boys and have no one left. 

I'm heartbroken and I really hope that the medication swap works because in the short term it sucks, big time. And I'm not drinking for the foreseeable as my outburst was probably because of that. 

However, lovely twitter helped me with a Mr Garrison impression, hmmm-kay? Totally showing how when I think I'm down and my brain is on the shit heap, the #pndchat network helps me so so so much.