Tuesday, 30 September 2014
Friday, 19 September 2014
A voice doesn't have to be heard for the message to be sent, the online environment is amazing - the #pndfamily on twitter as well as the hashtags enable me to send kind words to other people with similar feelings and in similar situations. Even though we live hundreds of miles apart and all we have physically in common is Twitter, we use our voices and our unique insights.
Wednesday, 17 September 2014
(See you for pndhour though)
Saturday, 13 September 2014
This is a small white Totoro, made using the pattern by Lucy Ravenscar and it looks nothing like it!! But E was happy, so I persevered and have now made a LOT of toys (blankets, gifts...)
If you are just starting out, I'd say to get a cheap set of aluminium hooks off ebay, you can get about 8 for the price of 1 in a shop (and slippery hooks are easier for crochet ... Unlike in knitting where a slippery needle means dropped stitches).
Saturday, 6 September 2014
I've never been the type of gal who felt broody, I don't know if it was having 5 younger brothers and sisters or if it's just my personality, but I just never felt the need that some women seem to have. This aside, me and MrB always planned to have a couple of kids, we had been together for a long time and it felt like the obvious thing to do - clearly we took our freedom, incomes and careers for granted!!
I got pregnant after 6 months, not bad really. Took me ages to notice, I was texting MrB about how weird it was that I felt sick a lot and then it dawned on me, a couple of weeks later. Oops!
It hit me like an ACME anvil does Wyle E. Coyote. I stopped functioning, I was pleased that our respective zygotes worked, but a new feeling emerged over the next 3 weeks, fear of impending doom.
Fear of childbirth, loss of freedom, loss of my figure, the awful morning sickness (borderline hyperemesis gravidarum), isolation/ terrible relations with my mum, worries about the huge impending responsibilities.
I woke up one morning and had a panic attack - my first in at least 2 years, and I had been 'non-depressed' and pretty resilient in my life for at least 2 years as well. I was about 7/8 weeks pregnant. I went to my GP and he asked me to wee in a pot. Whaaaaaaat?!?
Well actually, I did have a UTI which could have exacerbated my anxiety symptoms. But my anxiety wasn't helped by the antibiotics.
I didn't enjoy being pregnant but on the flip side, i felt immense guilt at not enjoying pregnancy. I was jealous of other women who looked so happy, who weren't the skinniest they had been in 13 years at 16 weeks pregnant, who could eat actual food, enjoy walking without PGP (which started at 8 weeks too!!).
I was entitled to hate the way that pregnancy made me feel, I was depressed. Incapable of being nice, tactful or truly happy, I was miserable.
It may not be normal, or socially acceptable, but hating pregnancy is ok, don't apologise for your feelings (but do try to be nice to those around you, especially those you love. Those who often bear the brunt of a crummy day.
N wakes up (usually) about half an hour before E, so in that time we might play, read books, or watch TV together if I am groggy (thanks Sertraline). However we spend the time, it's lovely. He has that gorgeous joie de vivre that toddlers have first thing in the morning - it's probably the closest I'll ever get to feeling like a member of One Direction. The sheer happiness when I walk into his room is magical.
Friday, 5 September 2014
Thursday, 4 September 2014
So, I'm not quite like this friend, but no matter how tired I am, how much I'm struggling I cannot let go of the motherly obsessions. Calcium, veg, fruit, TV, exercise, routines, sleep... Exact method for applying sudocrem (MrB still calls it sudo-cream, it drives me nuts!).