Saturday, 6 September 2014

peri-natal depression - how hormones screwed me over

I've never been the type of gal who felt broody, I don't know if it was having 5 younger brothers and sisters or if it's just my personality, but I just never felt the need that some women seem to have. This aside, me and MrB always planned to have a couple of kids, we had been together for a long time and it felt like the obvious thing to do - clearly we took our freedom, incomes and careers for granted!!

I got pregnant after 6 months, not bad really. Took me ages to notice, I was texting MrB about how weird it was that I felt sick a lot and then it dawned on me, a couple of weeks later. Oops!

It hit me like an ACME anvil does Wyle E. Coyote. I stopped functioning, I was pleased that our respective zygotes worked, but a new feeling emerged over the next 3 weeks, fear of impending doom.

Fear of childbirth, loss of freedom, loss of my figure, the awful morning sickness (borderline hyperemesis gravidarum), isolation/ terrible relations with my mum, worries about the huge impending responsibilities. 

I woke up one morning and had a panic attack - my first in at least 2 years, and I had been 'non-depressed' and pretty resilient in my life for at least 2 years as well. I was about 7/8 weeks pregnant. I went to my GP and he asked me to wee in a pot. Whaaaaaaat?!? 

Well actually, I did have a UTI which could have exacerbated my anxiety symptoms. But my anxiety wasn't helped by the antibiotics. 

I didn't enjoy being pregnant but on the flip side, i felt immense guilt at not enjoying pregnancy. I was jealous of other women who looked so happy, who weren't the skinniest they had been in 13 years at 16 weeks pregnant, who could eat actual food, enjoy walking without PGP (which started at 8 weeks too!!). 

I was entitled to hate the way that pregnancy made me feel, I was depressed. Incapable of being nice, tactful or truly happy, I was miserable. 

It may not be normal, or socially acceptable, but hating pregnancy is ok, don't apologise for your feelings (but do try to be nice to those around you, especially those you love. Those who often bear the brunt of a crummy day.

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