Tuesday, 24 January 2017
Thursday, 15 December 2016
For context, the injury is above, it was a massive bloody bump on his forehead. Anyone would cry!
Tuesday, 6 December 2016
Sunday, 20 November 2016
Thursday, 27 October 2016
Wednesday, 7 September 2016
Remembering a trip to Santorini, I don't remember the beauty of the island, the amazing skies and the caldera. I remember the horrible heat, being unable to sleep in a room without air con, on the ground floor. It was the last hot holiday I swore I would ever have. I was counting down the hellish sleeps until we could go home.
I was just recalling it to MrB, remembering how it felt and he said 'it must be hard, remembering and feeling those things that way'. Yes it is hard. I completely agreed.
I can only guess that I easily form trauma-style memories due to the way my brain learned to cope during childhood. I attach big feelings to memories. Usually negative ones.
I have a very vivid memory, I can remember things we did years ago quite clearly, the songs around when we broke up, when and where I bought each item of clothing I own, I collect memories obsessively but completely by accident.
The negative ones stick around very easily, and the feelings that are attached hurt to experience. A pain beneath my sternum, sadness? Anxiety? Anger?
It infuriates MrB because I remember what he said or did years ago, and accidentally carry those emotions with me. I will never forget how the bottom dropped out of my world when we broke up in 1999. I still remember how it felt, I can feel it.
There is no doubt that I always had an emotional disposition, my dad would say 'you feel your feelings very passionately'. I would cry if I didn't win at sports day or 'failed' at a friends party. Emotional but normal.
Do you have emotions that well up in response to memories that may not actually need that sort of response?
Just a note, it is not helpful to tell me just not to think of these things. The brain, my brain doesn't work like that. Man I wish it didn't, but it does.
I don't fight who I am, I accept it and try to move onwards and upwards out of the pit that was depression and anxiety.
Wednesday, 27 July 2016
So, I have successfully come off 75mg sertraline, and am still on my nightly dose of 15mg mirtazapine. That was ok. Lots of physical symptoms, but i could manage.
I'm struggling now. It's a week since I came off sertraline and started on venlafaxine.
The SSRI effects of sertraline have left my system, meanwhile the effects of venlafaxine on my neurotransmitters are yet to take effect. This is the age old '3-4 weeks to take effect' rule (cumulative effect) but also because I'm taking one small dose of immediate release venlafaxine each day.
This one small dose peaks a couple of hours after taking and then ebbs away (venlafaxine has a famously short half-life as the body breaks it down), leaving me feeling VERY depressed in the evenings. In a week, I can start taking 2 doses a day.
My GP has to slowly titrate (add) the new antidepressant because mixing different types can result in serotonin syndrome, which is very dangerous. I am, therefore doing as I am told, to the exact letter.
I am not dissociating or struggling like in was last time I tried to switch from sertraline to mirtazapine, nor am I understanding why some people see suicide as an option. I'm 'just depressed'.
As a bonus, i haven't really noticed any side effects as-yet.
So I'm eating well,
getting early nights,
doing extra yoga in the evenings at home
And running every third day (so I don't injure my ankle again).
I feel bad, but I will be ok again.
Just feels like one step forward and two steps back *dances*.