Tuesday, 7 July 2015

Dependence

A few months back I was jubilant at a psychiatrist agreeing that I have Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder. This is good, emotional instability has plagued my life and I'm really working on my interpersonal relationships with my DIT therapy.

Today, I want to moan about the dependent part of my personality. After the first psychiatrist completely disagreed with my self diagnosis of EUPD (or BPD), I went back to the drawing board and worked out that I also have many indicators, habits and feelings from the 'anxious' family of PDs. That is avoidant, obsessive compulsive and dependent. I show signs of all of these due to my core belief that I am not good enough and therefore unlovable.

I've been dependent upon MrB since I was 18. He is kind, we have so much in common and we are best friends. He also says he loves me as much as I love him. Which is really nice.

I become emotionally unstable when he is going to leave. He leaves at different times for work, he goes on the odd night out and I feel like I am being abandoned. It makes me anxious, grumpy, sad, worried and confused.

It's not been easy living with these feelings for the last 15 years. There have been some people who have judged the way we handle our relationship, and how I have usually ended up on boys nights out (don't even get me started on the ridiculous nature of single sex nights out). Anyway, what we do works. I have worked on my issues, but now I have realised that they're there not because I'm a terrible wife, or I'm not as good as all MrB's friends' wives. But I am who I am because of my attachment and crappy relationship with my mother, stepfather and (to a lesser extent) father.

It's hard, always wanting ti be involved in every aspect of his life. Made harder by the fact that we have so much in common, I mean, not every couple can dance together for hours at a club night throughout their 20s.

I'm going to stop trying to fight my dependence and try to work with it. After all, I'm not dependent on anyone else, because I don't let anyone else close enough. It isn't worth the risk.

Where do we go from here? The words are coming out all weird.


Thursday, 2 July 2015

Challenging My Negative Thoughts

I'm terrified that by acting inconsistently when ewan challenges me and I get angry, I am ruining Ewan's attachment to me. So much so that I spend the time after a hard bedtime beating myself up. My punitive voice being cruel and vicious;

You are never good enough.
You deserve to feel awful.
You were wrong to get upset at him. He is 3, you should not shout at him.
He will end up miserable and depressed because you will end up as bad as your mother. He will never be securely attached and have a terrible life because you cant handle him being angry and incredibly testing.

I am good enough and exceed expectations *most* of the time.
I deserve ti feel proud that I was as angry as I can get but I didn't hit or use my body to inflict pain.
Yes, he is only 3. Shouting at him is counterproductive and not the best choice BUT sometimes all you can do is be good enough.
I am consistent with him most of the time, it's only when I choose to get angry that I make bad choices and fly from angry, to bargaining, to sad, to angry, and all around again.
If I am a good mother most of the time, then how I behave when I am angry can be forgiven. I have to forgive myself.

Reminder: my mum was never a decent mother. She played the part sometimes, but she didn't mean it. Like a shoddy actress.

I've had to gain an insight into attachment theory because it is part of who I became at the hands of my emotionally neglectful mother. But that knowledge is another reason to berate myself, when I do make a bad choice.

Becoming angry isn't the child's fault, I become angry because I am not very good at regulating my emotions. I'm trying to learn, I don't want to snap back and forth and all over the place, I want to be calm. I just don't know how.