Saturday, 28 November 2015

Giving yourself a cuddle.

It isn't a euphemism, it's about being kind to myself. Literally.

See, i have to make a huge effort to consciously tell myself I have done well. I have to drown out the subconscious, insipid, nasty inner monologue that tells me I'm no good, that no one wants/ likes/ cares/ listens.

It takes a lot of effort to tell myself positive truths. It's easier to not do that. Short term anyway.

It's a big thing, this self-compassion. Maybe, one day the kindness will be the subconscious autocue. I'm sure it will, practise makes perfect.


Saturday, 7 November 2015

The Low and the Plan to Rise Again


This week I have realised that I need a bit of time off work. Just 3 days, equivalent to a part time week but I need some time to just be me.

I'm paranoid - in constant fear of me and MrB breaking up.
I'm anxious - waking up before my alarm and worrying again.
I'm fed up of being mummy - I'm sort of dreading time with the boys. It's irrational but grinds me down.
I'm so busy - children's parties and any social stuff as well as my usual life all take their toll on me emotionally.

Physically I've been struggling recently, my reflux was worse (despite vastly cutting diet coke consumption) and my 'idiopathic dermatitis' wasnt getting better. The muscles in my shins are tight and I'm just a bit more wired all of the time.

My plan is to choose to write my story:
I have notified work that I won't be in for a few days and volunteered to keep them informed regularly to appease any shame I feel. This will help me to recuperate, because while the boys are at nursery, I can concentrate on self care.

My emotional self care has slipped. I have done amazing work on improving my physical health, without a shadow of a doubt. However, being so busy and having finished therapy, I have let my writing stop. I find writing in a notebook to be very therapeutic. So as soon as my moleskine arrives, I will begin a daily journal. In it i will:

Tell myself what I have done well
Practise self-compassion.
Clear my head of the errands and jobs that need doing.

I believe that spending just a few minutes each day will help my brain to manage life better, leaving me more mental energy to regulate my emotions.

I can't choose to change my mood, that isn't always how it works, but I can choose to try, because I have caught this blip now, and I will come out a little stronger than before.