Tuesday, 22 September 2015

FOMO / I am not superwoman

I have tweeted before about my FOMO (fear of missing out) and how it adversely affects my mood. It's in a tangle with my dependent personality traits, and it brings me down, significantly.

It's one of the reasons that I hate Facebook. "I don't care who you are with, go away" is what I think. I have no idea why FB does this to me when Twitter doesn't. Perhaps before becoming [boring] older I used to tag and be tagged, nowadays it makes me view myself as sad and lonely, being taunted by the highlights reel.

This probably makes no real sense, but knowing that other people who I know* are out, makes me sad, deep down. It triggers something within me that I can't put my finger on. All I know is that, if someone says that they are going out for a meal, I am jealous and want to go out somewhere for my tea. With other social stuff, I wonder why I wasn't invited or why I'm not wherever the party is happening. (*know can be as simple as following on twitter for the purposes of explaining this part of my psyche).

I hate having no control over not being invited, or loads of other reasons. For example, blog awards: I have no desire to win awards, I don't try to and I am literally too busy. I adore my job and it provides my brain with the right balance of chatter, care, knowledge and technical ability to keep it out of mischief for the time that I am there. Blogging is my spot where I whinge about my life and I talk about what I like.

I worry that I'm not changing the world of perinatal mental health, and I berate myself for not being dedicated enough. Note to self: I adore my job, I care for people who need support . I hate the fact that I am now part time. I miss the dedication and continuity of 5 day working that I had before children. I am really bitter about losing my work identity and it having taken 4 years ti get it back.

I am now getting better in my own head, and when I'm at work it has been noticed that I'm pushing myself out there - I've made a huge effort to get my training up to the standard it should be. My line managers have noticed. And I've volunteered for EXTRA training, so I can improve the flow of my workload and get extra skills, always a good thing.

So I have allowed myself to feel inadequate for no good reason - no one has meant it to happen, it's just the way my brain works. I've just had to write down in my tiny facet of the Internet, that I recognise the brilliant work I do, that I give it my all and that's actually enough for me.

I just hate not being able to do everything and be the best at it and maintain my sanity.
Anyone have a wonder woman superpower that they want to lend me so that I can take over the world?

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