It is 21 months since I last gave birth and 37 months since I became a mother. Recently, I read this article on motherly love http://t.co/Jkc2sWYIGq .
It hit me really hard, the love I have for the boys isn't the warm love I have for MrB, that is nurtured and cared for... It's a love that needs me to give love, security, warmth and comfort back to them. That's what they deserve and it's what I never had.
I had a huge meltdown a couple of weeks after discovering i was pregnant with E. Perhaps it was partially because of first trimester exhaustion and living off cream crackers and well timed meals. Most likely, it was because i realised that I was required to give this sort of love. It has taken me almost 4 years to see it .
As part of my post - CBT staying well plan, I need to practise self-compassion. This involves having emotions and accepting them and not analysing them. Writing a blog post fits into self compassion because I'm allowing myself to have this shortfall in love.
Being a loving mother is unconditional and the payment for it is mostly in cuddles (which may or may not involve food, mud or paint being smeared over my person).
So I don't hate being a mum, nor do I hate my children. I hate that I need to give love and get nothing back, it's like sharing a cake... where you don't really get to share it, you get one slice and have to give 3/4 of the cake to the person you are sharing with .
so a bit of the problem is that I'm still coming to terms with the emotional neglect I suffered as a child and teenager . It is a lot to deal with when I thought I had a normal-ish childhood.
I need to do a CBT exercise on the 'I hate being a mum' belief ... because I have a lot of reasons to not believe it.
If you think you hate being a mum, it's ok. These early years are hard in an exhausting way.