Trying to be everything, all at once, whilst teaching two little boys how to be more amazing each day.
Wednesday, 1 October 2014
female, mum of two, likes fun and food - also an individual
People who know me, tell me that I'm quirky and a 'bit different'. This isn't something I have done consciously, my childhood and teenage years were pretty individual thanks to my dysfunctional parents and this meant that I didn't relate to others very well by my late teens - this really crystallised when I landed in halls of residence at The University of Leeds. I was there with middle class girls, who had lots of clothes, money to spend and nothing in common with me that I could use to relate to them.
By this stage I had lived through Britpop and loved guitar music most of all. However, me and my friends went to the normal clubs both at uni and at home. Then, I met some lovely boys/lads/men (what label is the best?!??) and we went to my first ever gig, JJ72 at the Cockpit in Leeds. That night I also discovered indie disco... The freedom of dancing to the guitar fuelled music I loved was wonderful. I think that this lead to me becoming a bit more 'different', because I wasn't well off (only my student loan and wages from my job - when I bothered to turn up). About £4k a year. I didn't want to go dancing to garage and pop music anymore... It was a waste of my time and money because indie disco stole my heart.
I still love dancing, it's lovely, wonderful and my favourite form of exercising.
I used to judge most mums, if they dressed their children too fancily, if they were 'posh' if they seemed to be coping, basically, I found excuses to mentally tear apart other mums, and I presume it was because I was so miserable in my deep depression that I thought it was normal. It wasn't ok.
I have forgiven myself for lots of 'parental indiscretions': tv, occasional sugar, salt, lack of calcium, not slavishly counting fruit and veg portions. I don't label myself as a 'bad mummy' and I don't label anyone else as a bad mummy - except, perhaps for mums who are deliberately mean to their child in shops/ public. It's not nice & reminds me of the damage that did to me.
I'm not sure that I have been bullied for being different, but I do find that my large usable vocabulary can mean that I'm labelled as 'clever' and people make me feel singled out because I use words that they don't. I have always used complicated language, and even as a young child I was called 'clever' by friends and other children said I was acting clever on purpose. I read books and I'm just good at remembering words!
If I was to write an advert about myself, I think I would play down my 'differences and quirks' simply to make me seem more 'normal'. Perhaps that's my insecurity and willingness to please - hello negative automatic thought, 'I'm unlikeable'.
This is me, just before I married MrB, in my lovely cotton, Paul Smith dress. I was different, but simply because I organised our wedding in a fairly man-style *minimal fuss*