Sunday, 24 May 2015

I caught myself a bit of glorious Technicolor!

Since the age of 17, I have had social anxieties. Ranging from not wanting to impose myself on people who were actually my friends, to not venturing near anyone who I didn't know was a safe bet. I'm 33 now, it's been half of my life.

At therapy, my therapist asked how social situations make me feel. The conversation went a bit like this:

'Well, I don't like to impose myself on people, because I think that they don't like me. However, I know that is fundamentally wrong, that I don't think mean stuff about people, therefore they don't think mean stuff about me'

He said 'So, have I understood you...being with people makes you uncomfortable and then you tell yourself that you are fundamentally wrong for behaving like that?'

'Oh shit!!!!!' I laughed, I giggled, my eyes had a few tears of actual glee and recognition. 'No wonder I get bloody depressed!'.

There you have it.

You see, the day before that session, I was talking to MrB saying that I didn't know what bits of how I behave are me, and what bits are the people pleaser, the depressive, the mummy, etc. WELL, it turns out that I was me all along. It's like when Dorothy walks out of her black and white house and into the glorious Technicolor land of Oz.

I am not kidding you. Since the conversation, I have allowed my gut reactions to take control sometimes (this takes self discipline and self compassion to do). This means I can reply with my wit, and self deprecation (obviously).

Sunshine, lollipops and rainbows to all of you today xx

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