Tuesday, 24 March 2015

Broken Biscuits for Emotions

MrB has often said that my head ks wired differently to lots of people's. Maybe he was joking, but I like to think he has known how broken I was better than I did and that he always accepted it once it had become apparent how fantastically ruined I was by crappy parenting.

I'm fed up of being scared of abandonment:

Each time MrB goes to work for a late shift (or heaven forbid something else that involves him leaving me), I react with anxiety. On good days it's minor discomfort at the time and an hour or so before, but at any othler time it can be as bad as causing anxiety all day leading up to the departure. Cue, arguments in the hour before he leaves for work and terrible nagging, pulling and desperate anxiety of he has an impending night out. The night of his stag doo, I cried for 3 hours straight. FFS!

I hate abandonment for a couple of main reasons: my parents divorced (acrimoniously) when I was 6, seeing my dad every friday for tea and every other weekend we stayed at his house. I hated Sunday evenings, the car ride home I would hold back the tears and just be overwhelmed with the feelings that I had learned to hide from my shit head of a mother.

Then, me and MrB got together properly after our first full term at uni. I was at Leeds, he was at Nottingham. We saw one every other weekend when possible, and needless to say, it fell back into the Sunday evening heartbreak. I was crying myself to sleep every night already by this stage. I must take this opportunity to say that I graduated from Leeds with a 3 in my Chemistry degree. Not amazing but I have never failed an exam which I didn't intend to. I was at breaking point -I passed a bloody hard degree whilst crying myself to sleep every night. I am bloody amazing, yeah?

A bit of self-compassion there.

I avoid rejection and abandonment where i can in relationships. I didn't answer texts or calls from uni friends after we all graduated and I basically drifted away because I couldn't stand the responsibility of friendships. That the responsibility to be entertaining and interesting was ever present and that inadequacy would lead to rejection.

A hallmark of anxiety and depression is mind reading and also thinking about yourself and the world inside your head more than you really should. Remember, other people have their own broken biscuits and monkeys to deal with, they really don't analyse what I say.

I don't even phone my siblings, or text them because I have nothing to offer them. I have nothing left in the pot of emotions to be able to help them through their respective battles. We have all been screwed over by that woman.

I'm going on now, I just needed to get this out, get something out of my head.

1 comment:

  1. Such a brave post. You have my utmost respect. I can't do or say anything to help, but you sound like an amazing person.x


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