MrB 'helped' the boys to make me a lovely card (Funky Pigeon), he helped the boys to buy me a gadget that I've wanted for a while (a wireless phone charger kit) and I received a couple of nursery made cards.
I got a lovely handpainted mug for myself and I set about facilitating the boys to make lovely decorated tea towels for MrB's mum.
In the days before, I had started to question my current position on seeing my mother In August I decided that I didn't want to see my mum on a monthly basis anymore. Although the boys loved her, I felt like I was damaging a bit of my soul, each time she visited.
I hate her. Then i feel guilty, forget how damaging she is, idealise her as my 'mummy'. Then when I do see her, she reminds me of the emotional dysfunction and of how alone I was as a teenager , and it hurts me a bit more each time.
I have seen her twice since August, 45 mins for E's birthday in December and another time a few weeks later for Christmas (the second time was much much shorter as I made it abundantly clear that I wasn't having any chit-chat).
As a matter of coincidence, it is N's birthday in the coming week, so we are trying to arrange her to give him his presents. She has sent me texts, and on one occasion , when I sent a brief reply, she CALLED ME UP. I shouldn't have answered, she is neurotic and does it to my other siblings. Anyway. I did answer. No idea why. It's just added to the brain-maelstrom this weekend though.
Today, I was ok, I am a bit hacked off about my being in limbo since November about my ongoing mental health support.
Then, I slipped up...In a long queue at the post depot, to collect my mother's day gift, I went on to Facebook. WHY???
It was like being stabbed in the chest, three lovely people saying how wonderful their mothers are, and that they have been inspired by them.
I've been inspired by my mum too, to not be a sociopathic, lying, thieving, duplicitous, selfish, hypochondriac, fantastist, devoid of affection and genuine love.
Mother's Day can stay, but next year, Facebook, I'm leaving you on the 5th of March for at least 7 days. To avoid the trigger.
Because I'm worth it.
I too had a very similar relationship with my mother. I could do nothing right and her continuous put down had a profound effect on my life. The only positive she did have on my life was to show me how I will not parent my children.
ReplyDeleteIt's hard to break contact but at times it's something that is best for us to do