It's all in the chemistry

Look at these two boys, lovely, funny, clever enough to hold their own at nursery and exhausting.

When I was ill, and people asked 'how are the boys', I would reply with 'exhausting'. I was better, I  wrote about how I knew I was better here .

At the end of November I started to change my meds. I had to wean off 150mg sertraline and start on 15mg mitrazapine. I came off sertraline after 2 weeks of 'weaning off'. This was advised by a psychiatrist and I would advise anyone to NEVER STOP antidepressants suddenly. No matter how well you are. I was very  scared of myself and hit a real low during the sertraline discontinuation symptoms (you can call them withdrawal symptoms , but SSRIs aren't addictive so discontinuation is more accurate [insert citation here 😉])

Where am I now? I am on my third week of mitrazapine (2 weeks of 15mg and 1 week at 30mg) and I feel miserable. I hate my children, myself, MrB. I don't like the way I feel and I don't know where I stand in my life.

I feel like I'm no use to anyone in real life. Luckily, being at work this last week has been good for my head - distraction, problem solving, out of the house and away from 'family surroundings' (children's clutter). My head is starting to cloud a little on my new drug but I feel useful at work - PLEASE REMIND ME OF THIS! 

I could wang on some more about how shit I feel and how scared I am about life and my feelings and emotions, but I'll tell  you that I went to see my GP for some reassurance. He explained that my feelings that were suppressed by sertraline were released when I stopped taking it and that my new drug (which works by targeting noradrenaline and serotonin within the brain - I have phrased that incorrectly but it doesn't just work on serotonin like sertraline and citalopram do). He said that the new drug is trying to dull my emotions but until it can do that fully, there is a push between my emotions being felt and the drug trying to stop it.

What he said helped, he only told me what I already knew but we all know that in hard times we just can't tell ourselves the kind words we need.

Thank goodness for the #pndchat hash tag. 
Lovely (mostly) ladies send kind words my way when I am least able to tell them to myself. I am so grateful for every tweet telling me that it is ok. I hope that I can start giving back to the community soon.

Thank you