Who Am I? What can I do?

I said recently that I am the busiest that I have ever been. That I feel like I'm walking along the edge of happiness, stability and 'wellness'.

I was doing well, taking time for myself until another mum, being disparaging about her Ex, said how he would do his own thing on days off and leave her with the children. This hit me hard, it's 3 months later and it is still hitting me hard.

Simply because it made me look at my behaviour through the eyes of someone else. Through the distorted lens of someone else's broken relationship, the view of my own insecurities of my own marriage - it's bloody hard to be friends all of the time when parenting two tiny boys!

I saw that I was always nipping off on my own, every day off. Telling myself off for doing the thing that keeps me sane, BABY FREE TIME.

Baby free time was essential to my recovery. It covers all manner of activities, from a wander around Poundworld, trip to the cinema or a brew with a friend. Anything out of the house, away from the mess and accessories to the hardships of my 'mother' life.

I want to be the best mum. I also feel bad for letting the boys watch "too much" TV again. They maybe watch 3 ish hours a day. So what if 1/4 of their waking hours is TV time. The tv is off the rest of the time, with no background noise (get over it Caroline!!)

I need time away from my life to be able to function at my best.
I have Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder and do find being a parent emotionally draining.
I had no decent role model growing up so each time I parent, I cross reference what I should do with how my mum did it and how I did it as eldest sister to my younger siblings. That is exhausting.
I have survived and withstood emotional neglect, and that takes its toll on me.

This isn't how everyone else feels but this is how I feel and it is normal for me.

Be kind to yourself, you deserve it.

You wouldn't speak to a friend the way you speak to yourself. Don't stand for it.