Who Am I? What can I do?

I said recently that I am the busiest that I have ever been. That I feel like I'm walking along the edge of happiness, stability and 'wellness'.

I was doing well, taking time for myself until another mum, being disparaging about her Ex, said how he would do his own thing on days off and leave her with the children. This hit me hard, it's 3 months later and it is still hitting me hard.

Simply because it made me look at my behaviour through the eyes of someone else. Through the distorted lens of someone else's broken relationship, the view of my own insecurities of my own marriage - it's bloody hard to be friends all of the time when parenting two tiny boys!

I saw that I was always nipping off on my own, every day off. Telling myself off for doing the thing that keeps me sane, BABY FREE TIME.

Baby free time was essential to my recovery. It covers all manner of activities, from a wander around Poundworld, trip to the cinema or a brew with a friend. Anything out of the house, away from the mess and accessories to the hardships of my 'mother' life.

I want to be the best mum. I also feel bad for letting the boys watch "too much" TV again. They maybe watch 3 ish hours a day. So what if 1/4 of their waking hours is TV time. The tv is off the rest of the time, with no background noise (get over it Caroline!!)

I need time away from my life to be able to function at my best.
I have Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder and do find being a parent emotionally draining.
I had no decent role model growing up so each time I parent, I cross reference what I should do with how my mum did it and how I did it as eldest sister to my younger siblings. That is exhausting.
I have survived and withstood emotional neglect, and that takes its toll on me.

This isn't how everyone else feels but this is how I feel and it is normal for me.

Be kind to yourself, you deserve it.

You wouldn't speak to a friend the way you speak to yourself. Don't stand for it.

Why Pop Tarts?

I suppose you are wondering why I am Pop Tart Mum? Well you are here, reading so I shall get on with it.

It all started when E was about 6-7 months old, and I started my love affair with Ocado...who stock American imports of stuff, including Pop Tarts. I had never had one before, with MrB dismissing them as being 'horrible' and 'rubbish'. Ignoring his snobbery, I ordered myself a box of Hot Fudge sundae ones. My goodness they are tasty, and they come with rainbow sprinkles set into the frosting.

They are like a warm bourbon cream biscuit, with icing on top and inside. Lovely.

I began referring to myself as a 'pop tart mum' in text messages to MrB. I thought I was being quite witty. To clarify, a pop tart mum is a mother who likes convenience and junk food, who also likes to think she is sort of cool.

That is it. I am pop tart mum (until the brand owners tell me to stop. I'm not ever buying the domain name). If that happens, then I'll be Pop Art Mum. Just FYI.

Where did you get your twitter handle inspiration from?

FOMO / I am not superwoman

I have tweeted before about my FOMO (fear of missing out) and how it adversely affects my mood. It's in a tangle with my dependent personality traits, and it brings me down, significantly.

It's one of the reasons that I hate Facebook. "I don't care who you are with, go away" is what I think. I have no idea why FB does this to me when Twitter doesn't. Perhaps before becoming [boring] older I used to tag and be tagged, nowadays it makes me view myself as sad and lonely, being taunted by the highlights reel.

This probably makes no real sense, but knowing that other people who I know* are out, makes me sad, deep down. It triggers something within me that I can't put my finger on. All I know is that, if someone says that they are going out for a meal, I am jealous and want to go out somewhere for my tea. With other social stuff, I wonder why I wasn't invited or why I'm not wherever the party is happening. (*know can be as simple as following on twitter for the purposes of explaining this part of my psyche).

I hate having no control over not being invited, or loads of other reasons. For example, blog awards: I have no desire to win awards, I don't try to and I am literally too busy. I adore my job and it provides my brain with the right balance of chatter, care, knowledge and technical ability to keep it out of mischief for the time that I am there. Blogging is my spot where I whinge about my life and I talk about what I like.

I worry that I'm not changing the world of perinatal mental health, and I berate myself for not being dedicated enough. Note to self: I adore my job, I care for people who need support . I hate the fact that I am now part time. I miss the dedication and continuity of 5 day working that I had before children. I am really bitter about losing my work identity and it having taken 4 years ti get it back.

I am now getting better in my own head, and when I'm at work it has been noticed that I'm pushing myself out there - I've made a huge effort to get my training up to the standard it should be. My line managers have noticed. And I've volunteered for EXTRA training, so I can improve the flow of my workload and get extra skills, always a good thing.

So I have allowed myself to feel inadequate for no good reason - no one has meant it to happen, it's just the way my brain works. I've just had to write down in my tiny facet of the Internet, that I recognise the brilliant work I do, that I give it my all and that's actually enough for me.

I just hate not being able to do everything and be the best at it and maintain my sanity.
Anyone have a wonder woman superpower that they want to lend me so that I can take over the world?

Update

I'm so busy at the minute:

Work was mega busy in August, I am lucky that my job can only really be done at work. However, I throw myself into my work, giving it my all whilst I am there. I'm working on not over accommodating at work, which means sticking to my guns when I need to, saying no when necessary and being true to myself (ie. Being nice!).

Home is busy, with life and the room transitions of other children (including Ewan's best friend!) have contributed to some very emotional weeks fr my two mini humans.

Being a wife and best friend to MrB is hard when I am shattered from work and parenting. We are getting by and hopefully my gradual improvement is helping him out a bit.

My DIT (dynamic interpersonal therapy) is due to end on Wednesday. It has been a hard few months, especially when I felt the pressure because of the 16 session remit. Basically I have learned that I like to over accommodate others and that I hate not being in control .... I have also learned that I love analysing myself. My therapist calls me his 'star pupil' ...that'll be because I was frustrated and used Google books to find out more about dit.

I sort of can't tell whether I'm unravelling or whether I'm coping. I'm not crying much, but I'm not sure if that is a feature to look out for.  I am the busiest I have ever been in my life, with a lot of plates to keep spinning.  

For now, all I have to do is practise self compassion and do what needs doing.