Looking back at my medication swap - MISERY

Look how lovely they are!

In November I saw a psychiatrist, who suggested I swap from 150mg sertraline to 30mg of mirtazapine to try to help my troublesome angry mood swings. I have had anger issues for a very long time, I can fly into an all out rage over not very much or I can escalate a minor disagreement or discussion with MrB into an all out 'I hate you' argument.

I stopped the sertraline, 1 week at 100mg, one week at 50mg (this period of time was miserable but because of discontinuation). Then I stopped the sertraline and started on 15mg mirtazapine, increasing to 30mg after 2 weeks.

Looking back, I was in trouble from a few days in. Once the sertraline discontinuation symptoms had gone, I felt like my head was faster, but I started to bury myself in my phone when the boys were around and we were alone. We didn't do much, I couldn't face the idea of being alone with them and if you saw me on Twitter in December & January, you may remember the mess that I was in.

I was dissociating in a fairly mild way, but mostly I couldn't interact with the boys and be happy. My depression was apparently worse, but I couldn't see that.

One day, I said to N, 'I wish I could go back 4 years and tell myself not to get pregnant'. 'Why did I choose to do this to myself?' And other, assorted awful thoughts that I hadn't experienced so brutally before.

I started to make myself sick every other day, I don't know why...control? Fear? It was a very very low period for me.

After the comments to N, I had a think and the next day I recognised the problem, MIRTAZAPINE NUMBED MY FEELINGS FOR MY CHILDREN. It had to stop. I'd given the tablets almost 6 weeks and things were getting worse, not better.

That day, I changed back to sertraline.

Within days I was lighter, brighter and voilà! I could spend time with my two beautiful boys without dread and misery.

Always follow the advice of your doctor, if you don't like their advice, see another doc or ask for a referral to see a psychiatrist.

Always trust your instincts.