recovery isn't all happiness - a sad post

This afternoon has been a flipping shambles. We went to ikea, E was being a bit giddy and we went along with it. That's fine. I noticed that he was giving MrB a run around the lighting department so I walked over to their direction, didn't say anything and thought I looked positive. I also had the buggy, and thought he could put E into it if he was fed up. 

Apparently, I ran across the lighting department (with a buggy? If you have been into an ikea light section, you will know that the clutter completely prevents running with a pram).

Apparently I had a face on me.

Apparently, I behaved in a way which looked like I was being judgmental. 

I was just standing there, offering a silent, non-judgmental pair of hands and a restraining mechanism for the troublesome tot. 

I know I'm a control freak, and my tone of voice can be really out of order when I don't mean it to be. So I stayed quiet. 

I know that when I'm struggling, an extra pair of hands would be greatly appreciated. 

I wasn't even thinking about how none of that shizzle goes down when it's just me and the little boys in there. Now, I'm not suggesting for one second that I'm better off alone, but I was being kind, and it was basically ignored. 

I hate this, I hate depression, I hate the way it makes me feel, I hate the way it makes be behave, I hate the way it makes me feel about the people I love and distorts my perceptions. I hate it all. I hate that nothing seems to make me happy anymore. 

I hate that I can't feel love for anyone unless I'm having a cuddle. That is shit. I'm sorry to swear, but it's the worst F-ing thing about Sertraline. 

I can take heavy sleep, I can take feeling mentally slow and stupid, I can take the sexual dysfunction and headaches, but being unable to 'feel love' is crippling.

I'm sorry that I can't be strong enough all of the time, I'm sorry that I can't be kind to myself this afternoon, I'm sorry that I am so sad that I can't even face doing a CBT exercise to make me feel better. 

Happy bloody Wednesday, all. 

(See you for pndhour though)