Being Mum, Staying Sane (or trying to)

PND can be gone, but becoming a mother can trigger, or worsen another pre-existing mental health *thing* deeper within you. One that you didn't even realise was there.

My basis for this theory is that I have always been able to manage my previously undiagnosed EUPD, but becoming a mum changed the way I am. Not in a sappy, 'they make it all worthwhile' way, but in a 'holy shit, I NEED to care for these mini humans' way. More visceral and real.

I do not know if I would have broken down if I hadn't had children. The fact is, that I did, I have and to face I and come through. I have had to deal with my past and how it impacts upon my every day. Having done this, makes it a little bit easier to cope with who I am <because of my past> as well as who i am <now>. Reconciling these two is huge, and it's vital as only by giving myself credit can I grow to love myself.

Once you are a mum, suddenly, every single action has a consequence. It sucks. Whether it be a sneaky chocolate bar (that you probably don't enjoy as much because you are eating it quickly! To a trip to the Trafford centre where you take 2 toddler boys round M&S home and expect them to act like statues...hint...The latter left me crying in my car!). I could go on, but picking holes in my existence, or anyone elses' doesn't make life easier.

Basically, there is no finite end to PND, because being a parent is different every day. New challenges, worries, comparisons, pressures, experiences and mandatory educational needs all affect the delicate balance.

I don't have much advice, but don't be in a hurry to 'get well' because sometimes the goal posts move, I have considered myself pnd free for 6 months, but I will be living with the emotional consequences of becoming a mum for the rest of my life.

Be kind to yourselves, and each other. X

Self compassion week 1

This last few months have seen a big change in how I treat my body, I have increased my intake of fruit and vegetables astronomically (2 portions to 8-9 portions). I make an effort to eat out less, I pay attention to my fitbit, I go to pilates once a week, and I cut down my coca cola consumption by a half.

As of this week I am gently bringing myself back to my healthy habits which slipped during and since my holiday (3-4 weeks!!).

This week I am looking forward to:
Pilates - I've really missed it, and although I don't want to leave the house on a soggy, humid, dark October evening, I know I need to, because it is so mindful and requires all of my concentration. I swear it does me as much good as therapy for a fraction of the cost.

Chocolate reduction - laziness! Missing nectarines! I used to eat a 2 finger kit kat every 1-2 hours. Lord help me if there were time outs or aero biscuits in the cupboard. I inhaled chocolate, and my anxiety burned it off. Now I'm calmer, I need to get back to weighing out 40g of m&ms, revels, etc each morning and taking my chocolate hits from there as the day progresses. It really helps me to think about how much I have left (rather than just chucking a huge handful in my mouth).

Coca Cola elimination. I KNOW. Despite my reduction of what I was drinking a few months ago, I was still drinking a litre each day easily. Though, on days off work, I have been making it to well past lunchtime without any diet coke.

Anyway, my dad mentioned in passing about having a few days off coke/Pepsi to help his stomach. He then described very similar stomach complaints to those which I have been suffering from for 2 months. I've been tested for infections and the GP couldn't explain it. It had occurred to me that drinking vast quantities of phosphoric acid *probably* wasn't a good idea, but it is/ was my crutch, I hardly drink, I have never tried drugs, never smoked, my main vices being self-grooming obsessions and they don't count as far as this post is concerned! (Self compassion and all!).

Today was day 3 of no coke, in 3 days I have had 2 cans of diet coke. No other brown fizzy stuff has passed my lips. Check me out! Context: I couldn't even give up in either pregnancy! (Because I needed a crutch, I needed control, and nothing bad came of it - I stayed under 200mg caffeine each day though. I did well, considering).

Anyway, I'm doing well, I'm taking care of myself and hoping that I'm ok.