Saturday, 16 September 2017

beginning reprocessing using EMDR

By the end of my second introductory session, there were 2 main themes within my flashbacks that the therapist (WA) picked out (I think there are a couple more too). I'm still a little unclear about how many sessions I will be having, but it could be anywhere between 8 and 16 in total. I'm going to discuss sessions 3 and 4. 

It was recommended by WA that I begin reprocessing a flashback and cognition that is less severe, I presume to allow me to get used to the feeling of seeing my thoughts, my visions, flashbacks in a show reel. 

And so we began, I rated how distressing the memory was and I focused on it as WA moved her hand, biro clutched. The key is to observe the feelings, as if you are watching through a window. My mind wandered from one thought, feeling, sensation to the next and I was truly honest... even if my thought was 'I can see myself covered in black tar'. 

I've had EMDR before, for acute trauma caused by a trauma in hospital. I remember sitting there thinking 'what the hellllll? I'm rubbish at this! This isn't working!'. That course helped me and I found that I didn't experience that this time. 

Seeing one thought change into a story, each time, almost a timeline, completely removed from the reality of what happened to me, but also unrelated to my memory. I found myself feeling huge, unrelenting, maternal love for 8 year old me. Wanting to offer help, reassurance and actually giving it, stretching a hand to hold across the 27 year divide. So tangible.  

This has translated into me feeling more compassion, not just for myself and the validity of my childhood trauma but also for my children. (Although, the punitive voice that whispers, 'you're never good enough' is still there). 

I'm really optimistic for the rest of the course, because i have had a few big lightbulb moments, where I have acted differently, or suffered a massive flashback and reacted with 'I was beautiful, and yet I was made to feel like a worthless piece of shit by those who should have loved me.' 

Apologies that this is more of s brain dump rather than a beautifully formatted post, but I wanted to get the essence of the experience out of my head without disturbing the memories.

 I shall keep you posted - post therapy blues are warded off by going to the gym straight after. A good rowing sesh seems to focus my kind on something real, leaving my mind to whirr away. Like a cake. Therapy makes the batter, pops it in the oven and I go to the gym and keep the oven door closed until the cake is fully ready. 

No comments:

Post a Comment

Comments are welcome, and it's nice to be nice.