Friday, 25 August 2017

EMDR - the first 2 sessions

I have wanted EMDR for my childhood trauma for over a year, and I've recently come to the realisation that I'm not trying to fix myself, I'm not broken. I adapted to survive age 8-18 in an inhospitable and downright miserable household and I survived, not unharmed but I survived, in spite of it. 

I'd managed to learn to live well by my 30th birthday, but now, being a mum triggers all of my pain, fear, memories, regrets and feelings: that I am never good enough and that I'm always under attack.

The first 2 sessions have meant me discussing my previous (plentiful!) therapy history and then... my flashbacks. The visions that come into my memory and hurt, informing my present but also picking at the wounds. I also revealed that I basically thought that some of it was my own fault, which was a very upsetting realisation. 

For the longest time I thought my upbringing was NORMAL for someone with 5 siblings. My mum and stepdad normalised my existence by telling me it was what was to be expected. 

Obviously, discussing my most upsetting and formative memories has opened up an old would. I suppose like a badly broken arm has to be aligned and reset under general anaesthetic, my memories are going to be realigned, into less upsetting, harmful ones. They will still have happened, but hopefully they won't flash up at me. 

Sadly, there is no emotional equivalent of a general anaesthetic. I can't be numbed, I can't lie on a coma in-between sessions, awaiting a magical time when I am *better*. So I keep on living, doing, loving, trying not to be a bitch, despite the ongoing pain. 

My therapist has used the EMDR technique to embed a 'safe place' which is really weird to experience. But it is good - although not usable when your 4 year old is moaning 'my legs arrre tyyy-urrrd' at 9am 

So please, bear with me whilst I feel sorry for myself some more. I really think it will help. 

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