Sunday, 20 November 2016

noticing anxiety

I have struggled with anxiety for a VERY long time. I can sort of remember life before it took such a hold on me, but I'm so used to how anxiety feels that it's hard to imagine how I ever didn't have it. 

I admitted I had a problem that required therapy earlier this year

The other day, My CBT therapist showed me a diagram, it showed the physical manifestations of anxiety. She then compared it to how I had just described myself in many situations... yeah, it was a big deal for me. 

I was relieved...I was...normal (for a very anxious person). Then I also realised that must mean that people can go about their daily business without anxiety symptoms (whaaaaaat?). 

Since that lesson, I have been able to notice my anxiety in a different way. I can see that it is there, like a passenger. My brain, sensing 'danger' puts me into a seemingly automatic fight or flight state. Sometimes for HOURS. 

Imagine your heart pounding, your thoughts racing, your hands sweaty, your mouth dry, your mind racing at warp speed and your words slightly stumbled...as you try [most importantly] to appear NORMAL. Like a normal non-anxious person.

Therapist said I have GAD (generalised anxiety disorder). I've sort of diagnosed myself with it, but no health professional has ever had enough continuity, time, initiative to actually diagnose me. Which is sort of sad. However, I totally agree with it. 

I am anxious most of the time. I can totally see it. I am working on it because I am worthy of the effort, I deserve it. 

Anxiety, I really fucking hate you. 

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