Wednesday, 7 September 2016

When Memories Hurt

Remembering a trip to Santorini, I don't remember the beauty of the island, the amazing skies and the caldera. I remember the horrible heat, being unable to sleep in a room without air con, on the ground floor. It was the last hot holiday I swore I would ever have. I was counting down the hellish sleeps until we could go home.

I was just recalling it to MrB, remembering how it felt and he said 'it must be hard, remembering and feeling those things that way'. Yes it is hard. I completely agreed.

I can only guess that I easily form trauma-style memories due to the way my brain learned to cope during childhood. I attach big feelings to memories. Usually negative ones.

I have a very vivid memory, I can remember things we did years ago quite clearly, the songs around when we broke up, when and where I bought each item of clothing I own, I collect memories obsessively but completely by accident.

The negative ones stick around very easily, and the feelings that are attached hurt to experience. A pain beneath my sternum, sadness? Anxiety? Anger?

It infuriates MrB because I remember what he said or did years ago, and accidentally carry those emotions with me. I will never forget how the bottom dropped out of my world when we broke up in 1999. I still remember how it felt, I can feel it.

There is no doubt that I always had an emotional disposition, my dad would say 'you feel your feelings very passionately'. I would cry if I didn't win at sports day or 'failed' at a friends party. Emotional but normal.

Do you have emotions that well up in response to memories that may not actually need that sort of response?

Just a note, it is not helpful to tell me just not to think of these things. The brain, my brain doesn't work like that. Man I wish it didn't, but it does.

I don't fight who I am, I accept it and try to move onwards and upwards out of the pit that was depression and anxiety.