Reading Around

I stumbled upon  this journal article  (from a peer reviewed journal) which discussed attachment, BPD and PTSD.

I could relate to most of it, the case studies were very complex cases, and much more 'classic' trauma than I endured. However, it was the first time I've ever sat down and thought, "shit. I have flashbacks. Parts of my childhood, sad parts are etched in my memory, as clear as if they happened yesterday". These are entwined with intense emotions, thoughts and feelings from those times. Shame, confusion, mistrust, fear.

I could have PTSD as a result of disrupted attachment to my parents, particularly the complete erosion of my attachment to my mum which resulted in me being who I am today. But also, because of the emotional neglect & manipulation, mental cruelty, habitual smacking, and the coercive control which my mum exerted over me (and my poor, poor brothers and sisters - who I miss every day).

Every day with the boys is trigger-ridden. It isn't their fault. I want to be the best for them because I love them too much to be anything else.

I've just noticed a missing link in this realisation this week. Really noticing my flashbacks as and when they come into my parenting style/choices/actions shows that it's in everything I do.

It's an extra opportunity to be kind to myself - it's why I'm at the edge of breaking regularly, why I need so much self care time to myself. To be myself.

If you're reading this and don't get it, think I'm rehashing old junk and need to get over it, then click away. I'm not seeking sympathy, I am clearing my head safely.