Saturday, 2 April 2016

My Path Out of Self-Hate City

Speak to yourself, as you would someone you love.

I was always fairly happy alone as a child. I enjoyed my own company and had a good imagination. When I was 17, something in me changed, I became introverted, depressed, anxious, and started to find it difficult being with myself, in my own head.

This is probably a very difficult concept to understand if you have never experienced it (and if that's you, I'm genuinely pleased for you).

I found it difficult to study, my thoughts were too spinny, too busy, too scary to just ignore and focus on my A Levels and then my Chemistry degree. I had the attention span of a gnat.

What in see now, with the huge benefit of hindsight is that this unease with myself is part of my self-loathing. A feeling seated deep within me, that I am NEVER good enough. Now, I've explained at length why I was never good enough for my mother, and yet the legacy lives on, through my internal thoughts, feelings and actions.

I hated myself, I had no idea why anyone would want to endure being my friend, nor could I fathom why MrB loved me in spite of all my awful-effing-crazy-shit.

About 10 months ago I had DIT (dynamic interpersonal therapy), and me and my therapist had a very similar background. Which, meant we strayed from the strict remit of the DIT framework, but fr the first time in my life, someone was able to recount heartbreakingly similar stories. Both of childhood mistreatment and present-day interactions caused by the maelstrom of headfuckery that was created.
We discussed my self loathing quite a lot, as it affected everything. My key points from the time are in my photo above. I gradually had to learn to change the tone of voice i use with myself. Now for some context, my colleagues would often tell me to go easy on myself. I berated myself HARD over the slightest of mistakes.

Only by reading these notes today, 10 months on, have I realised how much work I put into changing the way I think to myself. I correct myself too, 'that was stupid' is 'well, easy mistake to make, oh well'.

Speak to yourself as you would someone you love. Face it, if anyone else was as mean as you are to yourself, you'd swear at them and get them to sling their hook!

Much love xx

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