Thursday, 21 January 2016

Keep your friends close and your partner closer

A few months ago, during my blip I noticed that I was pushing myself away from Mr, emotionally. I can't put my finger on the mechanism of how I did it, but it is what I have always done, in order to cope with the push/pull of his shifts and my fear of abandonment.

This gradual retreat into myself, when he was around then linked to a paranoia. I was convinced that everything meant that he was going to 'dump my sorry ass'. Every look perceived in a negative way, always feeling under attack, looking for ways to test whether he loved me (read, more arguments).

I was really really unhappy, and the paranoia was so so damaging to my happiness and my marriage. So I did what I always do, I wrote in my therapy book and consulted Google. I came across the concept of 'prickly thoughts', and grabbed onto it...so to speak!

A prickly thought is something that you think that makes you feel a bit sad or uncomfortable. It causes sadness, anger and fear (you know, like Yoda said).

identify:
About myself - I'm not good enough
About MrB - he just doesn't get it, he doesn't care, he doesn't love me.

These thoughts were very upsetting, and make me feel guilty for thinking them.

Sadness - depression, insecurity, Disappointment.
Anger - frustration, spite, bitterness.
Fear - anxiety, worry, overwhelmed.

Labelling feelings and recognising that thoughts lead to feelings and behaviours. As taught in CBT.

I then wrote a pros and cons list of feeling that 'he doesn't love me, I am not safe'.

Pros
I'm prepared for the worst
Him leaving me is my worst nightmare
Surely, being vigilant will help?

Cons
It makes me grumpy
I'm anxious and scared.
I'm wearing a shield
I'm neglecting my love for him
It erodes and degrades my happiness.

My prickly thoughts hurt me, that is the conclusion.

I am loved
I am worthy
I grew up under threat and am wired for fear and struggle
I am worthy and loved.

He lives with me, he loves me, he has always loved me. IGNORE THE PRICKLY THOUGHTS.

Easier said than done? I didn't find it to be like that, if you love them, then stopping the prickly thought it easier than you think


I was sure to write in my journal each night, congratulating myself on work done. And I also told MrB about my irrational writings and feelings...In case he found my book and it upset him.

I'm always happy to discuss CBT, send me a tweet :)



No comments:

Post a Comment

Comments are welcome, and it's nice to be nice.