Thursday, 21 January 2016

Keep your friends close and your partner closer

A few months ago, during my blip I noticed that I was pushing myself away from Mr, emotionally. I can't put my finger on the mechanism of how I did it, but it is what I have always done, in order to cope with the push/pull of his shifts and my fear of abandonment.

This gradual retreat into myself, when he was around then linked to a paranoia. I was convinced that everything meant that he was going to 'dump my sorry ass'. Every look perceived in a negative way, always feeling under attack, looking for ways to test whether he loved me (read, more arguments).

I was really really unhappy, and the paranoia was so so damaging to my happiness and my marriage. So I did what I always do, I wrote in my therapy book and consulted Google. I came across the concept of 'prickly thoughts', and grabbed onto to speak!

A prickly thought is something that you think that makes you feel a bit sad or uncomfortable. It causes sadness, anger and fear (you know, like Yoda said).

About myself - I'm not good enough
About MrB - he just doesn't get it, he doesn't care, he doesn't love me.

These thoughts were very upsetting, and make me feel guilty for thinking them.

Sadness - depression, insecurity, Disappointment.
Anger - frustration, spite, bitterness.
Fear - anxiety, worry, overwhelmed.

Labelling feelings and recognising that thoughts lead to feelings and behaviours. As taught in CBT.

I then wrote a pros and cons list of feeling that 'he doesn't love me, I am not safe'.

I'm prepared for the worst
Him leaving me is my worst nightmare
Surely, being vigilant will help?

It makes me grumpy
I'm anxious and scared.
I'm wearing a shield
I'm neglecting my love for him
It erodes and degrades my happiness.

My prickly thoughts hurt me, that is the conclusion.

I am loved
I am worthy
I grew up under threat and am wired for fear and struggle
I am worthy and loved.

He lives with me, he loves me, he has always loved me. IGNORE THE PRICKLY THOUGHTS.

Easier said than done? I didn't find it to be like that, if you love them, then stopping the prickly thought it easier than you think

I was sure to write in my journal each night, congratulating myself on work done. And I also told MrB about my irrational writings and feelings...In case he found my book and it upset him.

I'm always happy to discuss CBT, send me a tweet :)

No comments:

Post a Comment

Comments are welcome, and it's nice to be nice.